1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800 English subtitles (HI) [MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E01 (720p) The Ol' Mexican Spinach [HDTV] [KoTuWa] 2 00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:05,300 Alan. 3 00:00:05,916 --> 00:00:06,998 Hurry up. 4 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,566 The girls are almost here and I'm a... 5 00:00:08,568 --> 00:00:11,836 ♪ Hunka hunka rotting love. ♪ 6 00:00:11,838 --> 00:00:14,055 ALAN: Sorry, just finishing my costume. 7 00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:22,180 Who the hell are they? should you be? 8 00:00:22,182 --> 00:00:24,148 Have you never seen Pretty in Pink? seen 9 00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:27,018 Oh, right! You are Molly Ringwald. 10 00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:28,653 Ha-ha. Me - Duckie. 11 00:00:28,655 --> 00:00:31,322 You know, the best friend, the scene-stealer? 12 00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:34,692 Some would say the true star of the film. 13 00:00:34,694 --> 00:00:36,528 Who played him, Boy George? (Chuckles) 14 00:00:38,164 --> 00:00:41,082 Hey, what do you think? about zombie Elvis, honey? 15 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,117 And don't be cruel. 16 00:00:43,119 --> 00:00:44,619 It's great. 17 00:00:44,621 --> 00:00:46,621 You look like both the impersonator at my wedding 18 00:00:46,623 --> 00:00:48,289 and my ex-wife. 19 00:00:49,593 --> 00:00:50,959 Thank you. Thank you very much. 20 00:00:50,961 --> 00:00:54,629 What expires in Vegas stays in Vegas. 21 00:00:54,631 --> 00:00:56,631 Oh, hey, uh, did your friend Stacy says it all 22 00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:58,049 about the girl she is bring it to me? 23 00:00:58,051 --> 00:00:59,801 Only that's what she's supposed to be be very cute, 24 00:00:59,803 --> 00:01:01,669 and she just moved here after a serious break. 25 00:01:01,671 --> 00:01:03,621 Ooh, hot, lonely and damaged. 26 00:01:03,623 --> 00:01:05,506 Duckie is lucky. 27 00:01:06,509 --> 00:01:08,393 You know, like Duckie really wants to be lucky, 28 00:01:08,395 --> 00:01:11,062 he'll tell the girls it's him someone people remember. 29 00:01:11,064 --> 00:01:12,697 Like Ferris Bueller. 30 00:01:14,568 --> 00:01:17,151 Well, you win again, Broderick. 31 00:01:17,153 --> 00:01:19,187 God, you know what I love Halloween? 32 00:01:19,189 --> 00:01:21,439 You can put "slutty". for every function, 33 00:01:21,441 --> 00:01:23,408 and it becomes a costume. 34 00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:26,361 Slutty nurse, slutty librarian, slutty lunch lady. 35 00:01:26,363 --> 00:01:27,996 (Groans) 36 00:01:27,998 --> 00:01:29,948 Hey, you didn't know that Mrs. Goobadeck 37 00:01:29,950 --> 00:01:32,700 from Mark Twain Elementary. 38 00:01:32,702 --> 00:01:34,953 She rocked that hairnet. 39 00:01:34,955 --> 00:01:36,537 (Sighs): My chest. 40 00:01:36,539 --> 00:01:38,039 Serious? W-What's going on? 41 00:01:38,041 --> 00:01:40,008 I don't know, I can't breathe, my chest is tight. 42 00:01:40,010 --> 00:01:41,010 Oh my God. Oh my God. 43 00:01:41,011 --> 00:01:42,126 Here here. Sit down. 44 00:01:42,128 --> 00:01:44,596 Um... Oh. Well, well, Don't worry. 45 00:01:44,598 --> 00:01:46,798 I'm sure this is so nothing, but, uh... 46 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,551 I'm going to call an ambulance, just in case. 47 00:01:50,553 --> 00:01:51,886 Just stay calm. 48 00:01:51,888 --> 00:01:53,104 It'll be fine. 49 00:01:53,106 --> 00:01:55,890 (Whispering): Help! My friend is dying! 50 00:01:55,892 --> 00:01:58,192 I don't think I can relax he's having a heart attack. 51 00:01:58,194 --> 00:01:59,894 Oh my god, I got it a heart attack. 52 00:01:59,896 --> 00:02:01,312 Oh. No no. 53 00:02:01,314 --> 00:02:03,231 I'm just saying that to get them to hurry up. 54 00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:04,365 I'm not just saying that. 55 00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:05,533 I think he's on his way to the light. 56 00:02:05,535 --> 00:02:06,367 (doorbell rings) 57 00:02:06,369 --> 00:02:07,902 I can't feel my left arm. 58 00:02:07,904 --> 00:02:09,370 Um, you'll be fine. 59 00:02:09,372 --> 00:02:11,572 It's probably just gas. Try farting! 60 00:02:13,243 --> 00:02:14,208 Trick... 61 00:02:14,210 --> 00:02:15,660 Or treat. 62 00:02:15,662 --> 00:02:18,079 Oh, ladies. I'm sorry, just came here during a bit of a... 63 00:02:18,081 --> 00:02:19,414 Ooh, I can see it your nipples, officer. 64 00:02:19,416 --> 00:02:23,668 Everything you see will be held against you. 65 00:02:24,587 --> 00:02:26,304 And I'm Harry Potter. 66 00:02:26,306 --> 00:02:28,256 But I'm not that hairy. 67 00:02:28,258 --> 00:02:29,557 She's mine. 68 00:02:30,543 --> 00:02:31,759 (Groans) 69 00:02:31,761 --> 00:02:33,177 (Winds) 70 00:02:34,664 --> 00:02:37,141 Didn't work! 71 00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:43,600 ♪ Two and a half men 12x01 ♪ The Ol' Mexican Spinach Original air date: 10/30/2030 . 72 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:48,000 Synchronization, corrected by senior @elder_man 73 00:02:50,439 --> 00:02:52,489 (siren wailing) 74 00:02:52,491 --> 00:02:54,202 Don't worry, we are almost to the hospital. 75 00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:55,786 Sir, take with you medications? 76 00:02:55,788 --> 00:02:58,456 Well, I take a generic Lipitor and a multi-vitamin for women. 77 00:02:59,675 --> 00:03:01,342 I mean, just so you know, I'll take the women 78 00:03:01,344 --> 00:03:02,543 because it has more iron. 79 00:03:03,629 --> 00:03:05,096 Same price, more iron. 80 00:03:05,098 --> 00:03:06,297 Yes please. 81 00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:08,766 Is he okay? 82 00:03:08,768 --> 00:03:10,017 Were doing everything we can, sir. 83 00:03:10,019 --> 00:03:11,719 I can't believe this is so happens, you know? 84 00:03:11,721 --> 00:03:12,853 He's so young! 85 00:03:12,855 --> 00:03:14,605 He leads something like that a healthy lifestyle... 86 00:03:14,607 --> 00:03:16,056 Well, except for the whole pot. 87 00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:19,276 You know, the weed. 88 00:03:19,278 --> 00:03:20,644 The...the ganja. 89 00:03:21,564 --> 00:03:24,198 The ol' Mexican spinach. 90 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,068 Alan, if I live, I'm going to kill you. 91 00:03:28,070 --> 00:03:30,237 Stop it. You're going to live. 92 00:03:30,239 --> 00:03:31,572 (Chuckles) 93 00:03:31,574 --> 00:03:32,740 Will he live? 94 00:03:32,742 --> 00:03:34,992 We're on our way with a 35 year old man. 95 00:03:34,994 --> 00:03:37,912 BP is 160/94, pulse is 108. 96 00:03:37,914 --> 00:03:40,364 And he's dressed like zombie Elvis, over! 97 00:03:41,384 --> 00:03:43,751 I don't know if you know need to know that. 98 00:03:43,753 --> 00:03:44,768 They don't. 99 00:03:47,089 --> 00:03:48,706 Besides, uh, I'm dressed like... 100 00:03:48,708 --> 00:03:49,874 Ferris Bueller? 101 00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:51,759 (Laughs) 102 00:03:51,761 --> 00:03:54,512 Hey, hey, at least I took it a chance with my costume. 103 00:03:54,514 --> 00:03:56,564 I mean, Elvis and zombies. 104 00:03:56,566 --> 00:03:57,598 It's really original. 105 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,600 Next year it's vampire Obama. 106 00:03:59,602 --> 00:04:02,186 (Transylvanian accent): "Yes we can!" 107 00:04:02,188 --> 00:04:05,439 Excuse me, you got that anything for the pain? 108 00:04:05,441 --> 00:04:07,992 In my ass? 109 00:04:07,994 --> 00:04:09,360 I know. 110 00:04:09,362 --> 00:04:11,695 I'm just... I'm crazy because I'm worried. 111 00:04:11,697 --> 00:04:13,164 I mean, you're my best friend. 112 00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:14,915 And if there was anything to happen to you, 113 00:04:14,917 --> 00:04:16,283 I don't know what I would do. 114 00:04:16,285 --> 00:04:17,868 I mean, I've already done it lost a brother. 115 00:04:17,870 --> 00:04:20,254 I can't lose you too! 116 00:04:20,256 --> 00:04:21,872 A - And you are more of a brother than he was. 117 00:04:21,874 --> 00:04:23,674 And now Jake's in the military, and I'm all alone. 118 00:04:23,676 --> 00:04:25,209 And I'm not doing it right when i'm alone... 119 00:04:25,211 --> 00:04:26,377 Here, breathe. 120 00:04:28,514 --> 00:04:31,015 Thank you. 121 00:04:32,268 --> 00:04:35,686 Am I crazy, or am I... is something happening here? 122 00:04:39,108 --> 00:04:41,392 ♪ Gentlemen. ♪ 123 00:04:46,315 --> 00:04:47,815 Oh, good, uh, you made it. 124 00:04:47,817 --> 00:04:49,733 Uh... Oh, I'm sorry I pulled you from your Halloween party, 125 00:04:49,735 --> 00:04:50,651 I thought you might like... 126 00:04:50,653 --> 00:04:53,204 I wasn't at a Halloween party. 127 00:04:54,290 --> 00:04:56,073 I just thought, because you are dressed... 128 00:04:56,075 --> 00:04:57,408 So what happened? 129 00:04:57,410 --> 00:04:59,043 Don't know. 130 00:04:59,045 --> 00:05:00,211 We were about to go out, 131 00:05:00,213 --> 00:05:02,546 and he started having chest pains and suddenly collapsed. 132 00:05:02,548 --> 00:05:04,331 Oh my goodness. 133 00:05:04,333 --> 00:05:06,166 He's so young. 134 00:05:06,168 --> 00:05:07,501 So fit. 135 00:05:07,503 --> 00:05:09,520 So not you. 136 00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:14,058 I hope he's okay. 137 00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:17,895 I never thought I would have a boss better than your brother, 138 00:05:17,897 --> 00:05:19,930 but Walden is good people. 139 00:05:19,932 --> 00:05:21,732 He's the best. 140 00:05:21,734 --> 00:05:24,935 The man has the biggest heart from someone I once met. 141 00:05:24,937 --> 00:05:26,887 Yes, a heart of gold. 142 00:05:26,889 --> 00:05:29,590 Clogged with arterial plaque. 143 00:05:29,592 --> 00:05:31,592 You've been good friend of Walden. 144 00:05:31,594 --> 00:05:32,860 He's lucky have you. 145 00:05:32,862 --> 00:05:36,864 He's lucky that you also, Sister Berta. 146 00:05:36,866 --> 00:05:38,866 And listen, um... 147 00:05:38,868 --> 00:05:42,419 if, God forbid, the worst happens, 148 00:05:42,421 --> 00:05:44,538 I only want you to know that, uh... 149 00:05:44,540 --> 00:05:47,374 you will always have a job at the house. 150 00:05:47,376 --> 00:05:50,377 I mean, we should talk reduced salaries, but, uh... 151 00:05:50,379 --> 00:05:52,763 What makes you think that would he leave you the house? 152 00:05:52,765 --> 00:05:54,365 I'm his best friend. 153 00:05:54,367 --> 00:05:56,016 There is no one closer for him than for me. 154 00:05:56,018 --> 00:05:57,434 I clean his underwear. 155 00:05:57,436 --> 00:05:58,969 I wear his underwear. 156 00:05:58,971 --> 00:06:00,554 (Laughs) 157 00:06:00,556 --> 00:06:02,273 Alan Harper? 158 00:06:02,275 --> 00:06:04,058 Oh, oh, that's me. 159 00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:05,726 I am Dr. Prajneep. 160 00:06:05,728 --> 00:06:07,561 Your friend had one mild heart attack. 161 00:06:07,563 --> 00:06:09,480 We added a stent remove the block. 162 00:06:09,482 --> 00:06:10,331 Is that bad? 163 00:06:10,333 --> 00:06:11,749 In general, 164 00:06:11,751 --> 00:06:13,233 a heart attack is bad. 165 00:06:13,235 --> 00:06:15,452 But he should perform a full recovery. 166 00:06:15,454 --> 00:06:16,654 Oh thank goodness. 167 00:06:16,656 --> 00:06:17,988 Oh, that's it a huge relief. 168 00:06:17,990 --> 00:06:19,907 Um, is something wrong? we should do it at home? 169 00:06:19,909 --> 00:06:22,576 I just want to be sure he has all the care he needs. 170 00:06:22,578 --> 00:06:24,912 Uh, a special diet, exercises, medications? 171 00:06:24,914 --> 00:06:26,213 If it would help, 172 00:06:26,215 --> 00:06:28,632 I would eat his food and feed him like a baby bird. 173 00:06:28,634 --> 00:06:32,086 How could that be? possibly help? 174 00:06:32,088 --> 00:06:34,421 I'll tell you what doesn't help...that tone. 175 00:06:34,423 --> 00:06:36,223 Can we see him? 176 00:06:36,225 --> 00:06:37,591 As soon as he is in recovery. 177 00:06:37,593 --> 00:06:38,842 Any other questions? 178 00:06:38,844 --> 00:06:40,594 No, we're just happy that he will be fine. 179 00:06:40,596 --> 00:06:41,596 Thank you. 180 00:06:41,597 --> 00:06:42,813 Don't mention it. 181 00:06:42,815 --> 00:06:45,149 By the way, Ferris Bueller is my favorite movie. 182 00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:49,653 Wait, B-Berta. W-Where are you going? 183 00:06:49,655 --> 00:06:51,071 We're not supposed to to go back there. 184 00:06:51,073 --> 00:06:52,656 I'm a nun in a hospital. 185 00:06:52,658 --> 00:06:55,326 I can do anything the hell I want. 186 00:07:01,667 --> 00:07:04,068 I'm dead. 187 00:07:08,207 --> 00:07:10,240 And I'm in hell. 188 00:07:11,193 --> 00:07:12,860 Relax. 189 00:07:12,862 --> 00:07:14,178 You are in the hospital. 190 00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:16,597 You had a mild heart attack, but you'll be fine. 191 00:07:16,599 --> 00:07:18,315 I don't feel so good. 192 00:07:18,317 --> 00:07:20,551 That's because they put a stent in your heart. 193 00:07:20,553 --> 00:07:22,970 But I also feel very good. 194 00:07:22,972 --> 00:07:27,191 That's because they use morphine in your veins. 195 00:07:27,193 --> 00:07:30,010 We need to start keeping morphine in the house. 196 00:07:30,012 --> 00:07:32,696 I know a guy. 197 00:07:32,698 --> 00:07:36,150 Berta, you are so funny. 198 00:07:36,152 --> 00:07:39,319 I would have missed you so much if I had died. 199 00:07:39,321 --> 00:07:41,455 Oh, oh, but you don't you have to worry about that. 200 00:07:41,457 --> 00:07:42,539 Y-you're not going anywhere. 201 00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:44,158 I love you guys. 202 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,442 We love you too. 203 00:07:45,444 --> 00:07:47,628 You know, when I think about it, 204 00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:50,381 you are my one and only family. 205 00:07:50,383 --> 00:07:52,383 Oh, Walden, that's so... 206 00:07:52,385 --> 00:07:54,885 Terrible. 207 00:07:54,887 --> 00:07:56,170 Okay. 208 00:07:56,172 --> 00:07:58,589 Save your life, but whatever. 209 00:07:58,591 --> 00:08:00,657 My life is pathetic. 210 00:08:00,659 --> 00:08:03,694 I mean, thank you very much to be here. 211 00:08:03,696 --> 00:08:06,530 But you're not good enough! 212 00:08:06,532 --> 00:08:09,349 Okay, now it sounds like my family. 213 00:08:09,351 --> 00:08:11,185 Um... 214 00:08:11,187 --> 00:08:12,187 Maybe you should rest. 215 00:08:12,188 --> 00:08:13,604 You know, just go to your happy place. 216 00:08:13,606 --> 00:08:15,155 I know a shortcut. 217 00:08:15,157 --> 00:08:16,157 Say when. 218 00:08:16,158 --> 00:08:17,524 Whe... 219 00:08:17,526 --> 00:08:19,993 (Squeals) 220 00:08:19,995 --> 00:08:23,163 Dressed as a nun, giving a guy morphine... 221 00:08:23,165 --> 00:08:26,083 boy, is this taking me back to high school. 222 00:08:32,174 --> 00:08:34,458 Hey, how are you feeling? 223 00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:35,542 I'm fine. 224 00:08:35,544 --> 00:08:37,344 Well, I know 225 00:08:37,346 --> 00:08:39,596 something that will make you feel better. 226 00:08:39,598 --> 00:08:41,932 I've made some of mine famous three bean salad. 227 00:08:42,802 --> 00:08:44,268 The secret... 228 00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:46,520 (Whispers): I use four beans. 229 00:08:48,007 --> 00:08:50,224 Garbanzo. 230 00:08:50,226 --> 00:08:51,725 Shh. 231 00:08:51,727 --> 00:08:54,228 You ever look out at the ocean 232 00:08:54,230 --> 00:08:56,497 and think how small and unimportant are you? 233 00:08:56,499 --> 00:08:59,817 I don't need the ocean; I can just call my mother. 234 00:08:59,819 --> 00:09:01,401 I almost died, Alan. 235 00:09:01,403 --> 00:09:03,070 But the most important thing is you don't. 236 00:09:03,072 --> 00:09:05,155 So now you just have that to listen to your doctors, 237 00:09:05,157 --> 00:09:06,490 don't worry about anything and relax. 238 00:09:06,492 --> 00:09:09,076 (laughing shrilly) (Shouting) 239 00:09:09,078 --> 00:09:11,378 Sorry sorry sorry. 240 00:09:13,716 --> 00:09:15,666 Sorry. 241 00:09:15,668 --> 00:09:17,835 That had to be the the life out of trick-or-treaters, 242 00:09:17,837 --> 00:09:19,086 you don't. 243 00:09:19,088 --> 00:09:20,137 This sucks! 244 00:09:20,139 --> 00:09:22,473 How am I doing? with a stent in my heart? 245 00:09:22,475 --> 00:09:24,258 I'm healthy, I - I'm fit. 246 00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:26,093 You sit in the front from the TV every evening, 247 00:09:26,095 --> 00:09:28,212 scoop a pint of ice cream in your throat. 248 00:09:28,214 --> 00:09:29,763 Hey, I eat my feelings 249 00:09:29,765 --> 00:09:32,099 and you send me straight back to the freezer. 250 00:09:32,101 --> 00:09:33,433 You know, it's just gonna show, 251 00:09:33,435 --> 00:09:35,269 your life can end in an instant. 252 00:09:35,271 --> 00:09:37,104 One day you'll be here, the next day you're gone. 253 00:09:37,106 --> 00:09:38,605 That's why I live through philosophy. 254 00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:41,408 "One day I'll be here, the next day I'm still there. ' 255 00:09:41,410 --> 00:09:45,612 You know, if I would have died, who missed me? 256 00:09:45,614 --> 00:09:48,332 What are you talking about? I would do that, Berta would do that. 257 00:09:48,334 --> 00:09:50,918 A - And you just received an email from the other day from Netflix 258 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,036 that literally said, "We miss you." 259 00:09:54,707 --> 00:09:58,458 You know, different from you guys and my mother, I have no one. 260 00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:00,127 At least you have Jake. 261 00:10:00,129 --> 00:10:02,296 Well, that's true. 262 00:10:02,298 --> 00:10:04,431 I will always do it my little guy. 263 00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:06,266 Although, in his last email, 264 00:10:06,268 --> 00:10:09,636 he then asked me Fourth of July was this year. 265 00:10:11,807 --> 00:10:14,358 But yeah, I'm very lucky. 266 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,811 Do you know how much? I would give to have a child 267 00:10:17,813 --> 00:10:20,697 who didn't understand the concept of a calendar? 268 00:10:22,318 --> 00:10:24,151 I only have money. 269 00:10:24,153 --> 00:10:25,536 Yes. 270 00:10:25,538 --> 00:10:28,689 Because I wouldn't give up on Jake for a billion dollars. 271 00:10:31,377 --> 00:10:33,377 I need to make a few changes. 272 00:10:33,379 --> 00:10:34,494 Changes are good. 273 00:10:34,496 --> 00:10:36,163 Uh, you know, I remember when I switched 274 00:10:36,165 --> 00:10:38,081 from American Idol to The Voice. 275 00:10:39,168 --> 00:10:40,500 My life turned around 276 00:10:40,502 --> 00:10:42,886 like Blake Shelton's chair. 277 00:10:42,888 --> 00:10:44,671 You know what? 278 00:10:44,673 --> 00:10:46,723 I want to have a child of my own. 279 00:10:46,725 --> 00:10:48,508 What? 280 00:10:48,510 --> 00:10:51,011 Yes, I want something to give my life meaning. 281 00:10:51,013 --> 00:10:53,564 I want someone I can love unconditionally. 282 00:10:53,566 --> 00:10:56,016 Someone I can teach, someone I can cherish, 283 00:10:56,018 --> 00:10:57,935 someone I can leave all this. 284 00:10:57,937 --> 00:10:59,186 Good... 285 00:10:59,188 --> 00:11:02,689 I mean, I don't know what to say except... 286 00:11:02,691 --> 00:11:04,441 Dad? 287 00:11:04,443 --> 00:11:06,526 ♪ Gentlemen. ♪ 288 00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,701 Have you thought? this through? 289 00:11:15,702 --> 00:11:17,052 Have a child is a lot of work. 290 00:11:17,054 --> 00:11:20,338 Having you is a lot of work. 291 00:11:20,340 --> 00:11:22,540 You know, having a child would give my life meaning. 292 00:11:22,542 --> 00:11:24,209 Otherwise all this has been for nothing, 293 00:11:24,211 --> 00:11:25,627 and that is difficult accept. 294 00:11:25,629 --> 00:11:27,011 You know what is difficult? 295 00:11:27,013 --> 00:11:29,597 Removing a marble your child turned up his nose. 296 00:11:29,599 --> 00:11:30,882 I did something like that. 297 00:11:30,884 --> 00:11:32,217 I blocked a penny there. 298 00:11:32,219 --> 00:11:35,019 I tried to get a gumball fall out of my ass. 299 00:11:35,021 --> 00:11:36,971 Only a child is permanent. 300 00:11:36,973 --> 00:11:38,273 It's not like you're dating. 301 00:11:38,275 --> 00:11:40,558 You can't just stop calling or change your number 302 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,694 or fake your own death because they annoy you. 303 00:11:42,696 --> 00:11:44,145 Do you do that with women? 304 00:11:44,147 --> 00:11:45,547 No, they do it to me. 305 00:11:47,284 --> 00:11:49,884 Look, I'm sorry how it feels like I'm negative 306 00:11:49,886 --> 00:11:52,253 because the truth is, you know, kids are great. 307 00:11:52,255 --> 00:11:54,489 But you just had this great health scare, 308 00:11:54,491 --> 00:11:56,491 and you probably aren't in the best state of mind 309 00:11:56,493 --> 00:11:57,742 to make life decisions. 310 00:11:57,744 --> 00:12:00,712 I mean, this morning, you cried at a beer commercial. 311 00:12:00,714 --> 00:12:04,315 Yes, but the horse and the puppies were best friends! 312 00:12:04,317 --> 00:12:05,784 Watching, 313 00:12:05,786 --> 00:12:07,669 have a heart attack didn't make me realize 314 00:12:07,671 --> 00:12:10,338 I want to have a child it made me realize 315 00:12:10,340 --> 00:12:12,056 I don't want to live another day without it. 316 00:12:12,058 --> 00:12:13,808 It was like a wake-up call. 317 00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:15,226 Okay. 318 00:12:15,228 --> 00:12:19,397 If you really want to do this, I will be here to support you. 319 00:12:19,399 --> 00:12:20,865 From my room. 320 00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:24,135 Which, FYI, is way too drafty to use as a nursery. 321 00:12:24,137 --> 00:12:26,404 Don't worry. You're not going anywhere. 322 00:12:26,406 --> 00:12:27,856 Sweet! Let's get that boy! 323 00:12:28,608 --> 00:12:29,941 So, uh, who's the lucky lady 324 00:12:29,943 --> 00:12:31,826 who gets your seed? 325 00:12:31,828 --> 00:12:34,162 Look, you just put your creepy little finger 326 00:12:34,164 --> 00:12:35,547 right on the problem. 327 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,167 It wasn't me exactly successful in love. 328 00:12:39,169 --> 00:12:43,371 It's like I'm using JavaScript and women use HTML5. 329 00:12:44,841 --> 00:12:47,342 Talking like that is part of it of the problem, right? 330 00:12:47,344 --> 00:12:48,543 Yes. 331 00:12:48,545 --> 00:12:50,712 And it's weird, because your package is perfect. 332 00:12:52,649 --> 00:12:55,550 And ... and by "package" I don't mean your package, 333 00:12:55,552 --> 00:12:59,571 I mean you... package. 334 00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:03,057 Although, it is a showstopper. 335 00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:06,027 Okay, I can't believe that this is not the first time 336 00:13:06,029 --> 00:13:08,897 I've said this, but stop looking at my penis. 337 00:13:11,384 --> 00:13:13,451 Well, now that you mentioned it, 338 00:13:13,453 --> 00:13:16,337 I can't stop watching. 339 00:13:16,339 --> 00:13:18,623 It's like the elephant's trunk in the Chamber. 340 00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:22,377 Don't worry, you will - you will find someone. 341 00:13:22,379 --> 00:13:24,379 And you know, it goes without saying 342 00:13:24,381 --> 00:13:27,465 If I could, I would you carry a child happily. 343 00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:31,636 Okay, I wish all this was self-evident. 344 00:13:31,638 --> 00:13:33,388 Are you doing well? 345 00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:35,006 Yes, it's going well. 346 00:13:35,008 --> 00:13:37,809 He wants to have a child. Now all he needs is a woman. 347 00:13:37,811 --> 00:13:40,061 Would you consider a pregnant stripper? 348 00:13:40,897 --> 00:13:42,730 Uh no. 349 00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:45,567 Well, that rules it out both my granddaughters. 350 00:13:51,775 --> 00:13:53,908 Morning. Have you do you take pills? 351 00:13:53,910 --> 00:13:55,310 Yep. 352 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,662 Are you lying to me? or are you lying to yourself? 353 00:13:57,664 --> 00:13:59,047 (rattling) 354 00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:02,884 They're too big. It's hard to swallow. 355 00:14:03,703 --> 00:14:05,370 If you say "that's what she said," 356 00:14:05,372 --> 00:14:07,038 I'm going to kill you. 357 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,122 Do you know what she said? 358 00:14:08,124 --> 00:14:10,542 “Take your pills. I care about you.” 359 00:14:10,544 --> 00:14:11,826 Fine. 360 00:14:11,828 --> 00:14:14,178 Do you know how long? it takes to have a baby? 361 00:14:14,180 --> 00:14:17,382 Well, I know it takes, eh, five months of mood swings 362 00:14:17,384 --> 00:14:20,468 and not for four months want to be touched. 363 00:14:20,470 --> 00:14:23,521 And who knows what my ex-wife is continued. 364 00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:24,722 I was normal research into surrogacy, 365 00:14:24,724 --> 00:14:26,791 and they say so someday you choose a great candidate, 366 00:14:26,793 --> 00:14:28,259 it may take up to three years 367 00:14:28,261 --> 00:14:30,228 before you have a baby in your arm. 368 00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:31,629 I can't wait that long. 369 00:14:31,631 --> 00:14:34,098 I mean, who knows if I will Do you still want a child by then? 370 00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,533 Tell me about it. 371 00:14:35,535 --> 00:14:38,820 Six months into Jake's life, I thought, "Look, please!" 372 00:14:38,822 --> 00:14:40,738 I was joking. 373 00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:42,774 As I was. 374 00:14:45,045 --> 00:14:46,411 Okay. 375 00:14:46,413 --> 00:14:48,630 I've limited my options to adoption 376 00:14:48,632 --> 00:14:50,148 or see or Brad and Angelina 377 00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,233 have an extra copy they could throw me. 378 00:14:52,235 --> 00:14:54,252 Um, you know, if you really want to adopt... 379 00:14:54,254 --> 00:14:57,388 For the last time, Alan, I'm not adopting you! 380 00:14:57,390 --> 00:14:59,173 But daddy... 381 00:14:59,175 --> 00:15:01,376 Oh! Okay. 382 00:15:04,764 --> 00:15:06,814 I already got out to a lawyer 383 00:15:06,816 --> 00:15:08,600 who specializes in adoption. 384 00:15:08,602 --> 00:15:10,935 Well, you are a perfect person candidate to hire. 385 00:15:10,937 --> 00:15:13,187 I mean, you're highly educated, you are nice, 386 00:15:13,189 --> 00:15:15,023 you have a stable home environment... 387 00:15:15,025 --> 00:15:19,327 Financially secure, no criminal record, nice. 388 00:15:19,329 --> 00:15:23,114 I - I don't know...I don't think so handsome really comes into play. 389 00:15:23,116 --> 00:15:25,617 Isn't it, Alan? 390 00:15:25,619 --> 00:15:27,735 No, I don't think so. 391 00:15:29,956 --> 00:15:31,339 Isn't it? 392 00:15:31,341 --> 00:15:33,141 You're acting strange. 393 00:15:33,143 --> 00:15:34,709 Am I? 394 00:15:36,596 --> 00:15:39,013 I'll steal you a baby. 395 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,467 ♪ Gentlemen. ♪ 396 00:15:42,469 --> 00:15:44,802 So, as you can see, finances are not a problem. 397 00:15:44,804 --> 00:15:46,471 I have a lot of it extra free time, 398 00:15:46,473 --> 00:15:49,774 and I know I can provide a loving, nurturing home. 399 00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:52,443 Are you okay? 400 00:15:52,445 --> 00:15:55,313 Are you? 401 00:15:55,315 --> 00:15:57,548 Seriously, do I need that to call someone? 402 00:15:58,368 --> 00:15:59,617 Never mind. 403 00:15:59,619 --> 00:16:00,735 What's important is that 404 00:16:00,737 --> 00:16:02,487 I'll coach hell from the Braves. 405 00:16:02,489 --> 00:16:03,738 Excuse me? 406 00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:05,707 It will be the name of my son's t-ball team. 407 00:16:05,709 --> 00:16:07,458 Beautiful pink ponies, if it's a girl. 408 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,494 You know what, when my son wants to play 409 00:16:09,496 --> 00:16:11,663 for the Pretty Pink Ponies, Then it is so. 410 00:16:11,665 --> 00:16:13,715 Tolerant. 411 00:16:14,551 --> 00:16:15,800 Well, Mr. Schmidt, 412 00:16:15,802 --> 00:16:18,086 you are clear more than qualified. 413 00:16:18,088 --> 00:16:19,020 Thank you. 414 00:16:19,022 --> 00:16:20,171 That said, I'd start watching 415 00:16:20,173 --> 00:16:21,472 in Golden Retriever puppies, 416 00:16:21,474 --> 00:16:22,890 because there is no way you're having a baby. 417 00:16:22,892 --> 00:16:24,726 Well, I don't understand. 418 00:16:24,728 --> 00:16:26,427 You just said that I am more than qualified. 419 00:16:26,429 --> 00:16:27,478 And you are. 420 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,813 But you're single 421 00:16:28,815 --> 00:16:31,065 and the system is really set to married couples. 422 00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,700 That's racist. 423 00:16:32,702 --> 00:16:35,303 No, it's not. 424 00:16:35,305 --> 00:16:36,704 Then it's sexist. 425 00:16:36,706 --> 00:16:38,272 No. 426 00:16:38,274 --> 00:16:40,742 Well, it's kind of a hiss. 427 00:16:40,744 --> 00:16:43,027 Look, I'm not saying it's impossible, okay? 428 00:16:43,029 --> 00:16:44,445 Just that it's hard. 429 00:16:44,447 --> 00:16:47,248 You support families who already have children, 430 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:48,816 married couples, single women... 431 00:16:48,818 --> 00:16:49,834 Anyone else? 432 00:16:49,836 --> 00:16:51,536 What, sweat shops? Circuses? 433 00:16:51,538 --> 00:16:53,004 The Viennese Boys' Choir? 434 00:16:53,006 --> 00:16:55,173 Look, I wish I had better news, okay? 435 00:16:55,175 --> 00:16:57,592 If you were married, this would be a slam dunk. 436 00:16:57,594 --> 00:16:59,293 Okay, you don't get it. 437 00:16:59,295 --> 00:17:01,679 Marriage is not an option for me. 438 00:17:01,681 --> 00:17:04,015 Okay, I get it you are frustrated... 439 00:17:04,017 --> 00:17:06,134 No, that's frustrating is that every woman I meet 440 00:17:06,136 --> 00:17:07,385 runs screaming from me! 441 00:17:07,387 --> 00:17:08,436 I was married before and she left me 442 00:17:08,438 --> 00:17:10,021 and I tried to kill myself. 443 00:17:10,023 --> 00:17:11,355 Don't write that down. 444 00:17:11,357 --> 00:17:12,774 Why are you write that down?! 445 00:17:12,776 --> 00:17:13,941 No no... 446 00:17:13,943 --> 00:17:15,359 Then I proposed to two other women, 447 00:17:15,361 --> 00:17:16,644 and they both shot me. 448 00:17:16,646 --> 00:17:18,112 I am unable to maintain 449 00:17:18,114 --> 00:17:20,031 a long relationship with anyone. 450 00:17:20,033 --> 00:17:21,733 Give me a baby now! 451 00:17:21,735 --> 00:17:23,151 Okay. 452 00:17:23,153 --> 00:17:24,202 I think we're done here. 453 00:17:24,204 --> 00:17:25,870 No we are not done here! 454 00:17:25,872 --> 00:17:27,905 I almost died a bedazzled jumpsuit 455 00:17:27,907 --> 00:17:29,290 and my life needs meaning. 456 00:17:29,292 --> 00:17:31,209 Stop writing things down! 457 00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:38,583 Mmm. 458 00:17:38,585 --> 00:17:40,334 Hey, how did it go? What kind of world... 459 00:17:40,336 --> 00:17:41,219 Oh oh. 460 00:17:41,221 --> 00:17:42,587 ...we live in 461 00:17:42,589 --> 00:17:45,506 where there are two high school kids with a broken condom 462 00:17:45,508 --> 00:17:47,675 can slide behind an Applebee's Dumpster, 463 00:17:47,677 --> 00:17:49,510 have a baby, give it up for adoption, 464 00:17:49,512 --> 00:17:53,431 but don't let it go an adult standing upright, 465 00:17:53,433 --> 00:17:56,851 responsible, and, might I add, handsome... 466 00:17:58,238 --> 00:18:00,271 ...just because every woman I meet 467 00:18:00,273 --> 00:18:01,606 eventually grows to hate me? 468 00:18:01,608 --> 00:18:03,441 And therefore, the Pretty Pink Ponies 469 00:18:03,443 --> 00:18:05,777 won't have a tee-ball coach! 470 00:18:05,779 --> 00:18:07,545 So things didn't go well? 471 00:18:07,547 --> 00:18:09,113 (Mocking): No, it didn't go well. 472 00:18:09,115 --> 00:18:12,200 Okay, well, uh, first things first. 473 00:18:12,202 --> 00:18:14,252 What about we get? you a little Zin 474 00:18:14,254 --> 00:18:15,570 to calm your nerves? 475 00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:16,954 It's just not fair. 476 00:18:16,956 --> 00:18:17,956 I know. 477 00:18:17,957 --> 00:18:19,340 Thank you. 478 00:18:19,342 --> 00:18:21,626 Just because I'm single I'm not a suitable parent? 479 00:18:21,628 --> 00:18:23,211 Did they say that to you? 480 00:18:24,047 --> 00:18:26,798 That's how I felt. 481 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,015 Apparently the whole system 482 00:18:28,017 --> 00:18:30,051 is aimed at Married couples. 483 00:18:30,053 --> 00:18:31,552 And - and single guys are not welcome. 484 00:18:31,554 --> 00:18:33,387 Like a Studio City swingers party. 485 00:18:33,389 --> 00:18:35,690 Precisely. 486 00:18:35,692 --> 00:18:37,692 Wait what? 487 00:18:37,694 --> 00:18:39,977 Nothing. So, uh? tell her everything? 488 00:18:39,979 --> 00:18:42,313 I mean, how successful you are, you are warm, you care... 489 00:18:42,315 --> 00:18:44,031 I told her everything. Did you give her the smile? 490 00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:45,867 Of course I gave her the smile. 491 00:18:45,869 --> 00:18:47,702 She thought that was me have a stroke. 492 00:18:48,538 --> 00:18:49,804 So nothing worked? 493 00:18:49,806 --> 00:18:52,073 No. Even if I hadn't been escorted by security, 494 00:18:52,075 --> 00:18:54,292 I still don't think so they gave me a child. 495 00:18:54,294 --> 00:18:56,410 Wow, I'm, uh... I'm very sorry. 496 00:18:56,412 --> 00:18:57,829 You know, it's ridiculous. 497 00:18:57,831 --> 00:19:00,631 Why, why are married people automatically better parents? 498 00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:03,217 My mother married six times; Didn't help her. 499 00:19:03,219 --> 00:19:05,720 Look, and I would have been a great father. 500 00:19:05,722 --> 00:19:07,338 I would have played catch with him, 501 00:19:07,340 --> 00:19:08,472 I had read to him, 502 00:19:08,474 --> 00:19:10,224 I would have waited until he went to sleep 503 00:19:10,226 --> 00:19:12,343 before I smoked the pot. 504 00:19:12,345 --> 00:19:14,979 My mother is already defeated. 505 00:19:14,981 --> 00:19:16,181 But - but you shouldn't give up. 506 00:19:16,182 --> 00:19:17,765 I mean, maybe still find someone. 507 00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,317 No, I don't want to to marry someone 508 00:19:19,319 --> 00:19:20,768 just to marry someone. 509 00:19:20,770 --> 00:19:22,353 It has to be the right person. 510 00:19:22,355 --> 00:19:24,155 Ooh, or Mila Kunis. 511 00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:26,574 I get it. 512 00:19:26,576 --> 00:19:27,692 That's hard to find. 513 00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:29,493 (timer thing) Oh, that's my banana bread. 514 00:19:29,495 --> 00:19:31,145 I love your banana bread. 515 00:19:31,147 --> 00:19:32,079 I know. 516 00:19:32,081 --> 00:19:33,664 I left it hoping we could celebrate, 517 00:19:33,666 --> 00:19:36,567 but it continues to work a sad stomach too. 518 00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:39,387 Oh, what would I do without you? 519 00:19:39,389 --> 00:19:42,089 I hope you never did that Find out. (Chuckles) 520 00:19:43,826 --> 00:19:45,793 What? 521 00:19:45,795 --> 00:19:49,413 You are...always there for me. 522 00:19:49,415 --> 00:19:51,215 Yes, and you always are there for me. 523 00:19:51,217 --> 00:19:52,733 We are best friends. 524 00:19:54,888 --> 00:19:58,272 What if we were more than friends? 525 00:19:59,142 --> 00:20:02,476 Just like... 526 00:20:02,478 --> 00:20:04,695 super friends? 527 00:20:09,569 --> 00:20:11,018 Alan Harper, 528 00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:12,670 will you marry me? 529 00:20:16,609 --> 00:20:18,876 ♪ Gentlemen. ♪ 530 00:20:26,299 --> 00:20:30,635 Are you serious? asking me to marry you? 531 00:20:33,590 --> 00:20:35,857 I can't believe it this is happening. 532 00:20:38,188 --> 00:20:41,422 And I always thought about Alan would be the one on his knees. 533 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:53,000 Synchronization, corrected by senior @elder_man